Monday, November 28, 2011

why oh why monday (warning: extremely vague mind dump)

"stay true to your values and integrity.  what goes around comes around."
(part of my horoscope today...usually i ignore them cause they are made up, but this one kinda hit me)

why am i turning into the person i do not like?  why am i stooping to levels below me?  why do i care what other people think...the people i do not care about?  why do i hold onto superficial relationships just so i can kill them with kindness or not burn a bridge?  why do my values change to accommodate other people?  doesn't that make me just as fake and superficial as those people?  i'm getting served a nice big slice of karma pie.  why do i choose to tamper with who i really am just to play the mind games...just to stir up trouble?  i am responsible for the mess i've created around me...i'm responsible for the bridges i have burned.  cutting ties seems so refreshing like i can move on, but i can never seem to detach them completely or all at once.  why must i hold onto things i choose to let go?

when did i lose myself?  little pieces of me chipped away over time.  things have changed...i can deny it all i want and it won't make any difference.  when did i fill all the crevices in my life with crap and things i have never valued?  the cracks are over flowing and washing out what used to be when i was in hs and didn't talk to anyone.  the time when no one noticed me and i locked myself up at night with paint and fabric and glitter and in most cases, sadness.  i wish i only knew then that i wasn't missing out.

my birthday is tomorrow...turning twenty.  i feel like i'm reversing in age.  i was always so mature growing up and now i'm just like everyone else...caring about the same stuff that will never matter.  someone get me out of here...just for a short time....just so i can go back to who i am instead of faking the happiness or having short spurts of completely disconnected reality.

cheers to a big mug of green tea.  early to bed early to rise.  the rain and the darkness are drowning me in my own thoughts.  cheers to building the good relationships and ridding myself of the all consuming and stressful ones.  cheers to motivation and cleaning out every corner of my technologically constructed reality.  give me a good book.  give me a pen and paper and some stamps.  maybe some cards and a board game.  cheers to deactivating, deleting, unsubscribing and unfollowing and anything else you can do to leave a social networking site.  since when do i meet someone in real life then have to friend and follow them in 5 different facets of non human interaction?  so tempted to delete my birthday from facebook and see who actually remembers it is my birthday and takes the time to call.  rather than "hey happy birthday" from someone i haven't spoken to in years or doesn't even say hi in passing.

i could go on and on with everything running through my head...this is really unorganized mind dumping.  i am tired and i think it's time to watch gossip girl then go to sleep.  doctor's orders.

1 comment:

  1. Hopefully you are sound asleep now and when you read this I will be the first to say, "Happy 20th Birthday!" The world is your oyster (I promised myself long ago not to use cliche's but it seems appropriate now). Try not to be so hard on yourself, but a good self introspection session never hurts. The important thing is, when you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, you are happy with what you see. Be true to yourself and everything else will fall into the right perspective. I love you! Dad