Hold onto the people who see into the depths of your soul and let go of those who stop at the surface and never take the chance really know you. Let go of the people who pretend to care about you fully when really they will never understand. Be thankful for those who grip onto your whole being and take the time to understand what's rooted within you. Don't let them go. They are hard to find and often appear when you least expect it. Cherish them and be happy to have met. Listen carefully and with intrigue and smile because you both share a secret bond that no one can comprehend from the outside looking in.

thank you for the note dear rachel.  by the way, you have swoon worthy handwriting.

20 things to do before 21

1. make an art wall
2. go to France
3. enter at least 2 art challenges
4. photograph bloomington
5. go to 5 concerts
6. read the bell jar and 3 other classic novels
7. take a spinning class
8. take a road trip with friends
9. have an art party
10. do an art collaboration
11. get a record player
12. host a dinner part
13. make pretty paper garland
14. complete another quilt
15. spend a night in the student union 
16. bake a rainbow cake
17. complete an entire journal
18. spend a day writing letters
19. attend a local film festival
20. go on a nerdy day trip

It's my birthday :)

 20

welcome to the next chapter

why oh why monday (warning: extremely vague mind dump)

"stay true to your values and integrity.  what goes around comes around."
(part of my horoscope today...usually i ignore them cause they are made up, but this one kinda hit me)

why am i turning into the person i do not like?  why am i stooping to levels below me?  why do i care what other people think...the people i do not care about?  why do i hold onto superficial relationships just so i can kill them with kindness or not burn a bridge?  why do my values change to accommodate other people?  doesn't that make me just as fake and superficial as those people?  i'm getting served a nice big slice of karma pie.  why do i choose to tamper with who i really am just to play the mind games...just to stir up trouble?  i am responsible for the mess i've created around me...i'm responsible for the bridges i have burned.  cutting ties seems so refreshing like i can move on, but i can never seem to detach them completely or all at once.  why must i hold onto things i choose to let go?

when did i lose myself?  little pieces of me chipped away over time.  things have changed...i can deny it all i want and it won't make any difference.  when did i fill all the crevices in my life with crap and things i have never valued?  the cracks are over flowing and washing out what used to be when i was in hs and didn't talk to anyone.  the time when no one noticed me and i locked myself up at night with paint and fabric and glitter and in most cases, sadness.  i wish i only knew then that i wasn't missing out.

my birthday is tomorrow...turning twenty.  i feel like i'm reversing in age.  i was always so mature growing up and now i'm just like everyone else...caring about the same stuff that will never matter.  someone get me out of here...just for a short time....just so i can go back to who i am instead of faking the happiness or having short spurts of completely disconnected reality.

cheers to a big mug of green tea.  early to bed early to rise.  the rain and the darkness are drowning me in my own thoughts.  cheers to building the good relationships and ridding myself of the all consuming and stressful ones.  cheers to motivation and cleaning out every corner of my technologically constructed reality.  give me a good book.  give me a pen and paper and some stamps.  maybe some cards and a board game.  cheers to deactivating, deleting, unsubscribing and unfollowing and anything else you can do to leave a social networking site.  since when do i meet someone in real life then have to friend and follow them in 5 different facets of non human interaction?  so tempted to delete my birthday from facebook and see who actually remembers it is my birthday and takes the time to call.  rather than "hey happy birthday" from someone i haven't spoken to in years or doesn't even say hi in passing.

i could go on and on with everything running through my head...this is really unorganized mind dumping.  i am tired and i think it's time to watch gossip girl then go to sleep.  doctor's orders.

monday quote

“I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.” - Audrey Hepburn Prepare yourselves for some major mind dumping soon. I've been thinking a lot. Happy Monday!

home sweet home

there is something special about coming home...no matter where you've been or how long you've been away.  it's comforting and time slows down.  college is great fun, don't get me wrong, but it's always nice to take a time out and be completely lazy, eat good food and reconnect with home for a week.  this break home was especially great because i brought home four of my international team mates to spend thanksgiving with my family and friends.  it's nice to share my home town with them...they are like family to me and having a full house for once was fun.  they fit right in like we've known each other all our lives.

we slept late and constantly grazed over a full kitchen of food.  we stayed up enjoying each other's company, disconnected from the world...no agenda, no rush.

coffee dates, birthday dinner, black friday shopping, dance parties, card games, a visit to the city.  now back to the daily grind for 3 more weeks then i'm home for a much needed long break.  so much to be thankful for.

monday: thankful for...

• home • road trips • puppy breath • home cooked meals • Christmas music • friends that are now family • parents • oversized sweatshirts • pomegranate juice • the sound of laughter coming from upstairs • falling asleep to John Mayer • break from classes