dreaming

Hello to my neglected corner of the world.  I've been dreaming lately...dreaming about my art and running a small business.  I hope someday my dream can come true.  Dreaming about having a cute studio all organized and decorated to my liking.

I don't understand how creative women jump start their businesses without losing sight of the sole purpose of creating art.  It seems so easy to get swept up in managing social media and wanting more and more and more then losing sight in why we make art to begin with.  How do they find balance, manage time and live off of their work?

Sorry I've been away for so long.  No promises that I'll be back soon.  Miss this place!  Life happens and blogging gets left behind.

gone

Sometimes I wonder where all the feelings go.  The relationships that were once cherished just gone overnight.  Swallowed up by time and space.  You wake up one morning and keep living, but then days pass, then weeks, then months, then it's gone.  And you never quite notice it fading until that person just feels far away and reaching out to them is awkwardly uncomfortable.  They suddenly vanish from your mind and heart.  Instead of being the first person you want to share something with, they become unfamiliar...gone.  Then you stop to think when it all started to slip away.  You can't quite place a finger on a certain time or place cause a lifelong relationship with that person was established and all thoughts of it ending were denied and impossible to imagine.  It's incredibly sad.  I always wonder if it was me who did all the changing.  If I could be held responsible for such distance, but no.  Friendships and relationships are a two way street.  Does that mean when one person begins to slip, the other falters just the same?  It brings out an ugliness, a side that pains me and fills me with guilt.  I wish I could just touch that one moment it all turned dark and ceased to remain the same from that point on.  I wish I could reel them back in, but I can't seem to find the words or the will.  It feels too late, like the damage has been done.  Forgive and forget?  I can't forget and I can't seem to bring myself to forgive when I have grown to feel the emptiness.  Blank stares and awkward encounters.  Distance, drifting, unfamiliarity until one day it's just completely gone.  No second thought.  Like the last night of a childhood summer...gone at sunset and never the same again.

i made this

i finished this during my first week home from school.  i painted the canvas background at a class at the international quilt festival five years ago and never did anything with it until now.  i just dove in one day and finished it.  YES...i realize i spelled "disappear" wrong, but i have a creative license, right?  i used alphabet stamps and then colored the letters in to make them darker.  i'm happy with the result and think i will hang it up in my room at school.

i truly believe we are all made of little pieces...the pieces come and go.  i feel like i have pieces of me that are dead through all the normalcy, but once they are fed or triggered they just explode and flourish for quite some time.  i go through phases of being inspired and driven to routine where i just go through the motions until the inspiration strikes me upside the head.

someone asked me, "what's it worth to you, being inspired by someone?"  it took me by surprise, this question and i had to think.  it's a good question to find out what drives your inner creative being. 
this was my reply, "if someone can get at my core and truly inspire me to create or think or come alive, it cannot be numbered.  it gets into my blood and stays there until i do something about it."


i feel indebted to people who inspire me and draw me out of ruts.  people who ask the tough questions that help me understand the inner networks of my mind.  all the pieces are there, i just never asked the questions that helped me put them all together.  and i don't manifest all the pieces on my own...they come and go along the way from who i meet and what i experience.  i just hope i can keep them coming alive without letting too many die off before i'm ready.

being a regular

when i'm older i want to live in a town with locally owned businesses and friendly staff.  i want to walk through the grocery store and be on a first name basis with the produce man or the deli counter lady.  i want to drop by my favorite breakfast place and have a "usual".  the server would have my order placed as she poured my cup of coffee and i chatted with the owner catching up.  i would go to the gym at the same time each morning and workout.  "hi jim, hi bob...how's the family?  how about this weather?" 
i love where i live now and i could see myself living here in the future.  it's so cozy and like my secret little escape.  the main drag of downtown will always have my heart and i seek solace in the parkway tree-lined streets and corner benches.  the old homes turned coffee shop, boutique or restaurant are swoon worthy.
this town electrifies the summer love pulsing through my veins.  each alley, street and sidewalk makes me reminisce.  i feel giddy and loved.  this town is a warm embrace and i never want to let it go.  when i do leave, i know i can always come back and it will be waiting with open arms.  the summer air sends chills down my spine.  chills of excitement for the surprises tucked away in the days to unfold.  each day an unexpected gift of goodness.  the gifts of sweet summertime.

a beautiful sunrise

the sun sets only to rise again.  driving in silence my thoughts consume me.  i think upon the year that has passed...how i've grown...the people that i have surrounded myself with.
the year before i was cold and empty.  i was lost from this place, from creative thought and feeling, from blogging and journalling, from tears of joy and hugs of safety and security.  i didn't feel.  i wasn't compelled by deep thought.  it was all on the surface and emotionally draining.  it left me cold and unfamiliar.
then the fall came and i found myself lifted up by fresh faces.  warm, caring, kind people.  no hidden agendas just raw feelings and honesty rooted within me and i lifted myself up.  i cut out the people that brought me down and made room for people that challenged me and made me think.  people that truly cared about me and showed interest in what i had to offer.  i found the old me.  the one that got swept up by freshman year life and social agendas.
i missed high school me.  the quiet, anti-social, under the radar me.  i missed alone time and time spent filling pages in my journal with thought, life and angst.  i was so blessed with these fresh faces in my time of need.  they steered me in the right direction so that i could rise again and feel whole and happy.  it had been missing for awhile and i just hadn't seen it yet.
looking back at this year i see all the good that unfolded.  i found healthy relationships with people that made me better, people that brought out the best in me.  i'm filled with content and peace of mind.  everything is set just right.  i am lucky to be so incredibly blessed.

time for sweet summer magic.  it's on the horizon and i can almost taste it.

and it will never be the same

Getting all nostalgic. It's those early hours of the morning, the hours of complete silence that let me know I am blessed. It's that feeling you get when you know you're going to leave a place and when you come back it will never be the same. The kind of silence that makes you want to lay still and hold time and space in that light before the sun creeps through and washes across the room. It's a slight feeling of sadness mixed with relief that I am addicted to. It lets me know I care, that I'm changing.

night drive

My heart is pounding in my head. I'm feeling too much and my mind is the steady 
pulse easing out the love and the pain into a distant yet familiar divide. Into 
the same abyss in which I eventually throw it all away...in this twisted pattern 
of inner peace and constant question.  Making happiness complicated only to find 
myself unhappy. Forcing love where it isn't felt and ripping it apart where it 
truly exists. Pushing and pulling. A continuous ebb and flow between altered 
states of mind.

 
At some point life goes on. But when? When can life go on after loss? When can a 
sense of normalcy be felt? Closure? When does the cycle stop for me? When does 
that wall fall down to unpaved roads?  Why do I feel this oddly familiar hurt?
 

The thing is, I expect it now. I plan for it almost. This one is on me.  My 
heart is pounding in my head and my head is shifting gears to take over and 
drive it all home on those familiar back roads. The shorter the trip the better.  
Wake me up when we get there cause I've seen this view before. 

you can try not to love, but it'll just hurt you.  it comes and goes with people, but everyone just wants to love and be loved so you let it be.  it's hard not to love.  who are you saving it for?  if you can give love and feel it in return it's an amazing feeling.

why would you want to hold it all in?  it's kind of selfish.  best to love when you get the chance than to not love at all.

and lost love...it empties your heart to make room for a greater love you've never felt before.  it never takes a piece away.  by loving you make your heart bigger each and every day.

life is good

life is good even when it's not going so great, at the end of the day life will always be good.  life will always be rewarding in the people you meet and the little things that you choose to cherish.

humanity

people are restoring my faith in humanity.  it's the little things that remind me of how lucky i am to meet special, unique and different kinds of people.  the quirks, the expressions, the actions without words.  an awkward comment, a text miscommunication, the thrill of ransacking a goodwill store, a touch on the nape of your neck, a fabulously detailed letter in the mail from someone you thought was out of touch.  these people give me comfort in this world where it's so easy to get caught up in the superficial gossip and rumors.  it's easy to become estranged from yourself sometimes, but then these people bring me back down to earth to the simple things.  i only hope i do the same.  this weather has me flying high.

in other news, i have way too many clothes to be allowed to buy more.  starting today i reinvent outfits and dig up ones that have been forgotten.  thinking about putting an outfit inspiration hanger on my wall.  fabric wrapped hanger...sounds like a nice lil DIY.

happy wednesday!

belief

it's a powerful thing.  if you can't believe in something then how do you expect anyone else to believe it?  this applies to anything all across the board.  just an ounce of belief can move many others to believe too, but it all begins with yourself.  you must believe.

right now

i'm always trying to plan my life ahead of time.  working out possible outcomes before they actually happen and when they are completely out of my control.  i push people away far too often and only to save myself from hurt whilst hurting myself in the process.  if i'm happy, what more do i need?  if the people in my life make me happy, why should i change that?  here's to living for right now, being present right now and being happy right now no matter what tomorrow or 3 months from now could bring.  being comfortable is a good thing. 

happy valentine's day?

red paper scraps scattered on a cluttered desk.  piles of paper, cards and stamps.  paper hearts all around.  while it's a blessing to be loved and to love so many at the same time love hurts.  it comes and goes.  what is forever love?  does it truly exist?  the word love gets tossed around all too easily sometimes and other times not nearly enough.  you should tell the people you love that you love them and remind them daily of what they mean to you.  but why is it that those you love can make you hurt just the same?  love takes hold of you.  it grips and twists your insides in a tangle of confusion.  friends you love grow further out of reach and sometimes i wonder where it when wrong and why.  love makes you fall when you don't want to let yourself feel too much...to save yourself from the hurt.  real love hurts.  real love makes your eyes well up with tears whether they are happy or sad.

then there is puppy love...the love that makes you giddy at the thought...make you smile with intrigue and curiosity.  puppy love can't hurt cause you don't know what you really feel...or at least not just yet.

the dream house

A sprawling yard of lush, green grass, flowerbeds overflowing with blossoms and a slow trickle from a stone fountain appear before me.  Large ancient trees shade the side of the house and I walk up the brick pathway welcomed by a white wood wrap around porch with natural colored wicker furniture…big comfy fabric cushions and a screened off section.

The main floor has a modest foyer, a beautiful woven rug and huge mirror with a vaulted ceiling directing the eye to follow the linearity of the staircase.  The upstairs landing is open looking out over the family room on the back side of the house.  Large windows let light stream in, natural colored furniture with pops of bright colored accents.

The kitchen is modern, clean lines, open space, natural wood, stainless steel appliances.

The hallways have shelves full of trinkets, photographs and travel souvenirs.   There is a study with a winding staircase to a cupola with a library and a sliding ladder along tall bookcases full of novels and books of all kinds.

{was just thinking about this the other night with a friend…I feel like I could go on and on in every detail possible…these just come to mind}

12.23.11

the days have been filled with wrapping gifts and listening to christmas music.  i spent a few hours in a coffee shop last night catching up with a friend.  it's funny how our lives have changed since high school and how things have come together really nicely for once.  it seems as though all those awkward years of growing up were worth it because now all the things that we found important then, that were once make shift senses of self, are fully pieced together.

it's funny how no matter how much time and effort you put into someone or spend with them, they will not change on your doing.  people only change on their own terms.  fact of life.  you will never be able to change people out of their old ways.  they seek comfort in the familiar and the safe...you have to expect that otherwise you're filled with a blinding sense of false hope.  the only person you can change without fail is yourself.  you choose the bounds with which to push yourself and assemble the finish line ahead...and once you cross that line, you make another one even further down the road.  you're the only person that can see it and achieve it.  the line you set for other people leaves them wandering aimlessly.  not really sure where i'm going with this.  mindless mind dumping is all i suppose.

happy friday and warm wishes...two days til christmas!

why oh why monday (warning: extremely vague mind dump)

"stay true to your values and integrity.  what goes around comes around."
(part of my horoscope today...usually i ignore them cause they are made up, but this one kinda hit me)

why am i turning into the person i do not like?  why am i stooping to levels below me?  why do i care what other people think...the people i do not care about?  why do i hold onto superficial relationships just so i can kill them with kindness or not burn a bridge?  why do my values change to accommodate other people?  doesn't that make me just as fake and superficial as those people?  i'm getting served a nice big slice of karma pie.  why do i choose to tamper with who i really am just to play the mind games...just to stir up trouble?  i am responsible for the mess i've created around me...i'm responsible for the bridges i have burned.  cutting ties seems so refreshing like i can move on, but i can never seem to detach them completely or all at once.  why must i hold onto things i choose to let go?

when did i lose myself?  little pieces of me chipped away over time.  things have changed...i can deny it all i want and it won't make any difference.  when did i fill all the crevices in my life with crap and things i have never valued?  the cracks are over flowing and washing out what used to be when i was in hs and didn't talk to anyone.  the time when no one noticed me and i locked myself up at night with paint and fabric and glitter and in most cases, sadness.  i wish i only knew then that i wasn't missing out.

my birthday is tomorrow...turning twenty.  i feel like i'm reversing in age.  i was always so mature growing up and now i'm just like everyone else...caring about the same stuff that will never matter.  someone get me out of here...just for a short time....just so i can go back to who i am instead of faking the happiness or having short spurts of completely disconnected reality.

cheers to a big mug of green tea.  early to bed early to rise.  the rain and the darkness are drowning me in my own thoughts.  cheers to building the good relationships and ridding myself of the all consuming and stressful ones.  cheers to motivation and cleaning out every corner of my technologically constructed reality.  give me a good book.  give me a pen and paper and some stamps.  maybe some cards and a board game.  cheers to deactivating, deleting, unsubscribing and unfollowing and anything else you can do to leave a social networking site.  since when do i meet someone in real life then have to friend and follow them in 5 different facets of non human interaction?  so tempted to delete my birthday from facebook and see who actually remembers it is my birthday and takes the time to call.  rather than "hey happy birthday" from someone i haven't spoken to in years or doesn't even say hi in passing.

i could go on and on with everything running through my head...this is really unorganized mind dumping.  i am tired and i think it's time to watch gossip girl then go to sleep.  doctor's orders.